Ups and Downs / Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Loved how my week started
Especially after service.. had a thought in my head that i had to clear off, which was why do i really hate about myself?
Though the answer i recieved(thank god) wasnt direct but he somehow made me assure that i was not left behind, in fact i was not worthy to ask for this answer, since being well better off..
thats right it was my attitude towards myself.. a low and stupid as well as pessimistical attitude about my life, myself. Now that i have understood, should i change? can i even do it? i dont know.. i wont try..
ahh.. Wednesday.. Day 1 of school (weirdly wednesday is considered 1st day of the week) and its classmates zhiwei and sherm's bdae, nice small party during lunch haa!
Then great movie 'Money not enough 2' after school..
Great show, however reminded me of how i never did treasure mom when she was around? always yelling at her, screaming at her.. not giving my best to her.. not even treating her to a good back massage when she asks for it...
I guess i was never a good son to begin with, i will never be.. it seems
again though it happened a while back already.. it still hurts me the most.. and it scars me the deepest. Just sitting here realising that i can never see her smile again, feel the warmth from her again makes me feel useless..
I dont feel like going on, but i have to.. why?
I wish to die now, yet i cannot.. why?
Before peace there was war and before good there was evil.
Since evil is the opposite of live, must i be bad before i can therefore rest in peace?
'A jack of all trades i am
to do nothing with none to master!
Myself i live to damn
the will to live i no longer muster.
A hole in my heart, never
A hole in my head, forever
As cold as steel to as hard as rock
i can only sit by and hear the clock go tick-tock tick-tock....'
/this is the me in I.
11:59 PM
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Monday BluE(bleW) / Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Nice monday to start off!
woke up, headed to school.
Problem statement was easy, did manage to do quite a bit and assisted the team before heading for my TP.
But it was raining, and heavily i would say.. very persistant rain
even after warm up and everything else, it still drizzled quite a bit.
But i am thankful, i am very happy that it turned out just right.
Thank you father, for your courage and your blessing.
For giving me a wonder Tester, the road condition was calm and there was no TRAFFIC! how wonderful!
Rain? It was a considered factor of my TP passing. How great is that?
I know you have been hearing me, and i truely regret my wrong thoughts.
You were there for me, and i didnt realise
You saw me through when i met my demise...
You opened doors i never could,
Hold your hands i dare never would...
/this is the me in I.
1:27 AM
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A great Sunday, Bad ending... / Sunday, July 20, 2008
Well, nice start for me today.. still managed to meet my angel tho she forgotten to wake me up for church service today..
had lunch at sushi tei then headed to get her dress done for claudia's wedding..
Then everything good stopped there...
rushed home to do dinner for sis and sheryl.. not only did sheryl not want to eat, she puked after eating a little... sigh my cooking that bad huh?
then after cleaning up, sis found out that her grapefruits she bought for work, was used by dad for his alter offerings.. sigh..
and then ya la.. we all know la... all the ramblings came out so and so...
I guess i was born to suffer, never to be happy..
God, thank you for the wonderful day, i'm pleased to say at least i still saw her smile.. one that i will never forget. Please take care of sheryl and my sis by the least..
and just push all thier sufferings to me, i'd rather die for them, or for no other reasons..
Life's so meaningless to me now,
just hope tomorrow i'll pass my TP.
I pray with words, and not my voice.. i hope you understand why
/this is the me in I.
8:34 PM
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fUll mOon, MoOdleSs time...nice day? / Friday, July 18, 2008
well, after school went chinatown to make specs...
you even paid for it... thx for the specs, tho it was kinda forced.. =\
really happy to see you after so long...
then again.. i dunno...
"Did you know when you’re around
My heart won’t it can’t slow down
It beats so hard it makes it hard
To catch my breath, to catch my breath
Don’t ever ask me if I’m sorry or that I’m here with you
Baby you can bet I don’t regret the girls I never knew
Every day’s another first another chance for me to fall in love with you
And I do…"
~ Catch my breath By Westlife
"You and I, we’ve been at it so long
I still got the strongest fire
You and I, we still know how to talk
know how to walk that wire
Sometimes I feel like the world is against me
The sound of your voice baby that’s what saves me
When we’re together I feel so invincible"
~Us against the world By Westlife
"Heaven knows
I'm head over heels and it shows
I've played every field I suppose
But there's something about you
When you're around
Baby I have found
I get lost in you"
~Lost in you by Westlife
But in reality, it hurts to see you.. it feels painful like i fear you.. and i atucally do..
i do the things you hate alot now, thats why even if i had that ounce of strength, that urge to go find you, i cant.. or rather i wont.
and its the full moon again.. everytime, i see it.. i just cant seem to keep a smile hanging wierd...
Pray for me.. Monday its my TP again 3rd 1 it is.. sigh
I can feel it coming, the premonition, the failing feeling..
Hear me now, hear my shout! God, pardon me.. tell her to do so too.
For i have not the courage to do so.
And after you have done that, wake me up, help me stay awake. Give me the strength
The strength i need to walk.. or rather crawl...
--Longest post as yet!
/this is the me in I.
11:03 PM
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nOt ThInkinG stRaiGht... / Monday, July 14, 2008
wierdly another dream that shows something like a prelude of the previous 1...
it too, has no ending.. so i wonder if it even worked out..
though the dream didnt quite seem something i would do.. hah..
well.. been going round happening lately..
my Angel bought me a bottle of colonge... waiting to see her soon ^^
then Rx.. jio me go MOS... had fun.. but hated the crowd at RnB area
well school's been tiring me out lately.. till so i don even feel like breakfast anymore.. and am ignoring lunch and just to have late dinner..
"life i want to end every night,
i shout out loud but it seem to silent...
i've tried my best but i've lost my will to fight
somehow i just want to be defiant..."
/this is the me in I.
12:53 AM
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sHaGgeeed out / Tuesday, July 08, 2008
wahh...
its been a long time since i had a good load of drinks, didnt matter if i lost to the slow and retarded small lil sasa =) had my drinks that more important muahahaha
well.. The Clinic... good bar.. just outside sux... zzz drinks were a tad bit lite on the alcohol part...didnt get a good fill...
Well.. dad and sis quarrel again.. sigh.. wonder what i should do..
enjoy for a few hours, return home to a house of fire...
Just when i feel the most to return home, i feel like leaving it soon after
School's becoming a strain... home's going fiery... stress buildin...
the best life cocktail that is i would say.. really..
Saturday, slept from 5am till 9pm... had a very wonderful dream but it didnt END! wonder how it would.. though i know the dream wouldnt happen. Pleased i am to have that dream though.. the the only thing thats on my mind right now...
PS: God if you're hearing, i'm calling out hard to show me a path, a way i could down the cocktail, because i dont feel like going on anymore.. it feels worst than when mom left..
I seek not for answers but for the end..
/this is the me in I.
1:56 AM
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Quick week / Tuesday, July 01, 2008
another fast going week..
and it seems i have yet to do my things again...
well who cares, all i know is i had a great time at Janson's
bdae chalet and i managed to carry ZC that's drunk onto a bed easily.. lol...
wat a way to lift him too...
kinda lighter than weiling =x
whaahwhahahahah
well good luck to me Tests coming up soon...
including TP... miss all the days of fun.. and laughter...
now its back to stress and i cant find my much loved coffee...sigh
/this is the me in I.
1:25 AM
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