Ups and Downs / Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Loved how my week started
Especially after service.. had a thought in my head that i had to clear off, which was why do i really hate about myself?
Though the answer i recieved(thank god) wasnt direct but he somehow made me assure that i was not left behind, in fact i was not worthy to ask for this answer, since being well better off..
thats right it was my attitude towards myself.. a low and stupid as well as pessimistical attitude about my life, myself. Now that i have understood, should i change? can i even do it? i dont know.. i wont try..
ahh.. Wednesday.. Day 1 of school (weirdly wednesday is considered 1st day of the week) and its classmates zhiwei and sherm's bdae, nice small party during lunch haa!
Then great movie 'Money not enough 2' after school..
Great show, however reminded me of how i never did treasure mom when she was around? always yelling at her, screaming at her.. not giving my best to her.. not even treating her to a good back massage when she asks for it...
I guess i was never a good son to begin with, i will never be.. it seems
again though it happened a while back already.. it still hurts me the most.. and it scars me the deepest. Just sitting here realising that i can never see her smile again, feel the warmth from her again makes me feel useless..
I dont feel like going on, but i have to.. why?
I wish to die now, yet i cannot.. why?
Before peace there was war and before good there was evil.
Since evil is the opposite of live, must i be bad before i can therefore rest in peace?
'A jack of all trades i am
to do nothing with none to master!
Myself i live to damn
the will to live i no longer muster.
A hole in my heart, never
A hole in my head, forever
As cold as steel to as hard as rock
i can only sit by and hear the clock go tick-tock tick-tock....'
/this is the me in I.
11:59 PM
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