The date i was here... / Friday, October 31, 2008
Well,
Today marks my 25th year alive.
Basically, i did nothing today. To stay away from things.
To hide from everything.
So much of my life has burned away and i'm yet to accomplish so many things...
Each year on the 31st of October, i reflect on myself..
and see how far i've became or changed...
This year.. i've dipped so far... so hard..
Glad to say i'll always have my friends when i need them.. tho i dont really 'use' them haa...
And of course, my Angel.. the one that always erm... hits me here and there..
It seems so quick that the year is going by..
I'm almost finishing my 1st year in RP with my great new classmates.
Yet i feel drained, and there always seem to be something that i cant kick off my mind..
This year, for my birthdate, i'm glad that nothing silly or negative happened. Unlike the previous 9 years or so.. where i tried so hard, and i got no where.. and i fall so hard...
I'm beginning to think, i should just be more laid back with my life..
Again, i'm sorry to Angel if you got dissapointed about the previous post..
Maybe next time i will conjour the proper me to face you again..
for now.. i'm someone you dont know.. someone that wears a mask every single day.. even to you..
If I had 1 wish to make,
I'd wish i had the chance, to see my mom,
and tell her I love her, that i'm sorry..
for all the things i've done..
/this is the me in I.
11:31 PM
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UnDesireD Afternoon / Tuesday, October 28, 2008
what a way to kick start the holidays.
Nope, not sleep... teaching archery with classmate for her coach @ Duman high.
It really broke into my sleep, woke up at 5.30am to prep and meet them at 6.45 at Bishan, what a rush!
Oh well, at least day 1 is over, we've still got day 2 and 200 more students to teach T_T
Back home, Angel kinda read the post below, and said that she understands about me not wanting the lunch, well.. i'm glad i dont have to lie, just to get out of that tight situation.
Thanks Angel for understanding, you're really just god sent to me.
31st Oct.. the day i hate most, i dont know why.. but it seems everything really goes wrong on that day, or week.. wait maybe even month.
Oh well, 3 more days and it should be over.. hopefully all the troubles with it.
Well, i'm sure Angel's pretty dissapointed with my replies on msn today.. i dont know how to face her again really..
So guide me, tell me what to do next.... someone... sigh..
Home is wierd again... woke up late at 8 to feel the atmosphere a little shaky... had my dinner and 2 hours later, POOF
Sheryl got scolding again. What a wrecked day.
Really feel like moving out someday.. or maybe stay out for like a week away from home, or something...
Once i think of this i think of the time where i gave up on mom, scolded her and left home without my phone my wallet, since it all belonged to her. And stayed out for 2 days alone, at the playground.
Mom musta have had cried her heart out.. and again i didnt apologize for this 1.
Sigh, when will i be able to ever repay all my debts to her..
"Three words, eight letters, so difficult to say.
They're stuck inside of me, they try and stay away.
But this is too important to let them have their way.
I need to do it now, I must do it today.
I am sorry."
To both Angel and Mom, with everyone else i didnt mention that i've hurt or might have unintentionally.
/this is the me in I.
10:47 PM
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Lifeless.... / Friday, October 24, 2008
How much worse can things go lately?
I really dont wanna go through much more...
Home is becoming more shaky..
I'm staying home watching a whole season of friends over again.
I think i'm becoming boring, also bored with myself.
Holiday starts next week, also my birth date.
Angel wants to cook somethin for me.. but i just dont know how to reject it.
I'd really love to taste her cooking and all, but i dont want it..
I dislike anything done on or for my birth date, ever. Worst of all with her.
Since one of the most irritating thing happened that date.
Many might have said, past is past.. let it go...
But i'm a loser, and i fret about it. So deal with it.
I'm nothing and trying to run away from life.
/this is the me in I.
12:36 AM
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Looking for Peaceful times... / Friday, October 17, 2008
Have i ever felt peaceful?
Have i really felt everything was allright and nothing will go wrong?
Maybe all too rare...
Just when i thought my struggles were over for the day with the UT and presentation...
Home shooked... sis shouting at sheryl.. dad shouting at sis...
Even MyAngel heard it...
I fight a battle at school
Just to return home to a war...
I really wonder what is my family going to turn out to be...
I wish i could rest in peace, then again.. thats never coming true...
I really miss the times... where.. there was peace at home...
Then again, was there really peace? I just cant remember...
Was i made just to endure all these? I hope i can..
Dear lord..
You can stretch me, press me and flip me around...
But please bring happiness and peace to those around me.
Guide and bring love to Sheryl.
/this is the me in I.
12:09 AM
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The Fuax Looking Moon.... / Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Tonight is another full moon.. i saw it hanging in a slightly darken clear blue sky
looking all so FAKE!
Like a cut out or a Lamp, all so round and brilliant.
How is that so? Am i seeing things?
Maybe i am...
I begin to think about my past and what i've done...
Everything seemed like yesterday...
I would hear your groan about the pain you have...
I wished back then that God had given it to me instead.
And he did, i fell and broke my wrist.
I didnt tell noone, not even Mom where i was hospitalised.
Since i didnt want her to visit me. But she did, and she came.. with all her pain
just to see me lying there right after the surgery.
This is the third time in life i have had surgery that you witnessed.
I felt the pain in your heart, but i couldnt do much. As you left i teared so hard..
And soon after i recovered, you went back to for more intense medication in the hospital....
Each day you fought so hard,
But at the same time you wanted to give up...
Daily i see your pain... eating you away bit by bit..
till the day i held you hands..
i trembled at my feet, knowing its the end...
You didn't speak... and i didnt even got to say anything else..
Then it was all too late...
Your hand.. all stiff and cold...
I needed to break out, i needed to fall...
But i just couldnt... somehow i know you wont want me to...
I kept it in.. all so hard... with everything else i had to shoulder..
God, I pray that My Mom is now safe in your keep.
Give her the happiness i failed to bring..
Tell her i still miss her and love her so...
/this is the me in I.
10:45 PM
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Blunt... / Saturday, October 11, 2008
SteVvY,
Do u really understand what she's trying to say to you via msn and sms?
All those long messages saying about Him? How he is not content to leave us, or making us feel changes thats out of your comfort zone?
That You should resent about it? Since it helps you to grow?
Really i think You're a dumbass, calling out for help.. yet discarding any forms of help from anyone.
What are you searching for?
---
Feeling lost, feeling frustrated... Feeling like i'm drowning.
Of all the people, why does she make it so blunt to me? I really want to listen to her.. yet again.. i dont feel like it. Might have told her off once or twice, making her sad or angry or dissapointed.
I wont be heeding your advices my Angel, if you're reading this. But they are kept in within me.
I really miss Mom, so hard so much... its tougher to talk about it than to write it.
I feel so lost, yet people depend on me.. why? Isnt there someone that can take over me?
You speak of life being more important, i Agree! but whats the point when everything has already gone wrong? I live in despair, in guilt.
What would you do, if I chose death over living? or Living over death?
If you truly are someone that wants to help, you would listen to my wishes right?
"I'm strong on the surface
but not all the way through...
I've never been perfect
but neither have you"
/this is the me in I.
11:22 PM
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Stirred... not shaken... / Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Communication... what a module.. great faci great day...
STupid UT...
Topic wasnt hard today but too general and broad.. glad it turned out ok and all..
had to do something about ourselves... the way we express ourselves.
Should have lied my way through today eh? Why didnt i?
Somehow lipm.. saw my face change when evan was presenting her slides.
Yes kinda admit that it was kinda sensitive to me when she spoke of parental death and so on.
I've yet to recover from the lost.. and i always tell people i'm fine.. i should be in the denial stage right now i guess..medically termed.
Mom, I miss your nagging, the way you mess my room up by packing it.
I miss the way i come home to see my gundam figurines all broken up and i have to re-position them again. I miss the way you call sheryl.. most of all i miss the way you smile.
So warm and pleasing, yet strong and passionate.
Like the song 'The perfect Fan' You are my perfect Fan, the only Fan..
You never seemed to ever stop supporting me no matter how much i dissapoint you.
But i regret every moment and every time i did, and if i were to slash myself for every dissapointment, i'd guess there wouldnt be any part of my body left thats not marked 3 times across each wound.
/this is the me in I.
3:03 AM
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Clinging on... / Monday, October 06, 2008
Ever since the last post, i've been trying my best to hang onto something..
to make sure i can see the next day... which never ever happens, i never want to do that.. but yet it happened...
The week has been tough, tough enough for me to even lift a finger and speak to myself.
Many things are going on, so much i cant handle. Dropping them bit by bit already,
UT starts tomorrow, dont even feel like studying for it... and it has to be done... Zzz
Angel called me yesterday... cryin and all... hearing her makes me feel wierd... lost and didnt know what to do... then again it was funny... hearing her snorting her nose, blowing her nose..
haa..
She kinda knows when i'm most frustrated and buzz me a little... even though she is frustrated herself.. she's simply god sent...
After her call, i just couldnt get myself to sleep, thinking about mom.. missing her and all...
Month of my fullest regrets, my nightmares. If i had 1 wish, i would really wish i could turn back the time where i was 12 and undo my wrongs, my hurtful gestures to her... Everytime i think about my past i think about how i sadden her day her week her month her year.. I was not partially to blame but mainly to!
Why was i so? I'll never know... Why did i ever do those things, i wish i knew...
/this is the me in I.
10:48 PM
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