sigh.... / Sunday, December 28, 2008
A happy start with a irritating end for yesterday...
Janson's wedding, gate crash, wedding dinner went really well!
1st time i have the car all to myself. But
Dad had to call in and complain why i wasnt home, why i'm still out
etc etc etc...
I know he is worried about me, at least i hope...
Things are alot more shaky these few days at home...
Sis is home less often...
Dad is out more often..
Dad's been asking me why sis is out so late....
Sis's been asking me why dad is not doing his part of the housework...
What can i reply them? I Dont even see them much either duh!....
This home is drifting apart... and so am i....
I have no idea what is going on...
Does the loss of mom, brought this about? that the balance is now gone forever?
If the 2 of them really hate themselves so much, they dont even meet much, y bother complaining?
I question myself again.. what is my purpose
to resolve other people's problem? or be a human pincushion and take it all?
I'll take all these as punishment as payment for the wrongs i've done...
Today, while taking a short nap.. i had a flashback... one about Angel,
about the first time i saw her...
I saw it unfold, from not knowing her to atucally being her kor..
it ended abruptly by a phone call, fortunately at a point i hate...
awaken by Angel... i was forced to go freshen up and head down to pick her up then head to the wedding dinner itself...
Also, i'm sure she's crushed to finally hear from me, that i'm still smoking...
after hiding and avoiding her when i smoke. Well, i know you're kinda angry, when i said it...
you dont have to hide it, you could have done what you usually would do... scold me or sth..
I woulda have felt better if you've done it atucally...
I didnt mean to tsk at you or sigh so much today....
I just felt that everything to me always ends with a bad ending...
something wrong or something irritatable....
And i've really had enough of it lately, dont pray for me, i dont need it...
and oh ya... its great to hear you are a very optimistic person..
its just that i shut off when i was feeling irritated just now and then i didnt listen to what you were trying to say...
But like i said, my Angel.. you always manage to turn me around...
relight my fire and make me see into things i already chose to discard...
I still wonder why... why it never changed after all these years...
Maybe i just couldnt let it go.. and i should have given up a long time ago, no?
So...
Mom, look at dad... he opened another shop... so much money hor?
what ever happened to the 1st shop? Dissappeared?
I just dont know how he does it....
And you see your daughter and him...
one's a north pole and one's a south pole, always repelling each other...
I'm so tired already... i feel the strain... i've lost intrest in the things i used to do... and the things i like...
I'm completely lost at all my chioces, and making bad and wrong decisions...
And right now? i just cant sleep...
I love you Mom... I miss you too....
You always showed me strength and gave me the reason to work on...
so now that you're gone... i disire to be by your side once more...
/this is the me in I.
4:59 AM
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The past, The present, The future.. / Sunday, December 21, 2008
It was once told that The past is history and the present is a gift, where it holds the future...
I remember that another way, The past is what I have seen, the present is what i'm seeing and the future is what i dream to see...
So what makes the past, present and the future? Me, myself?
I'm living my past in my present.. and wondering about my future..
How do you put something down without feeling remorse?
I want to change... but can i?
I want to believe in wishes and dreams... but will i?
I'm checked, i have no moves left.. i asked for light, and i'm still blind.
Mom? I still cant feel you...
Home's crumbling without you..
I'm sick of this home, So sick that i'm sick of myself.
I want to believe in a dream, that it was gone, dissappeared from sight..
Where noone else frowned, nor fought...
Peace everywhere, where i could lay and rest...
In my mind in pieces i sought...
I wake up to resume the war in my chest..
/this is the me in I.
5:30 AM
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The End arrives... / Monday, December 15, 2008
The end of year finally arrives, and my 3 week holidays have started...
finally a good time to rest... or is it...?
Work starts again... i guess... if not where to find the money to eat and play?
Havent been doing so well lately... got shortness of breath...
Headaches coming on and off...
Stomach pains...
They dont really bother me atucally...
What bothers me the most? Sheryl affected by stomach flu again...
wonder why she has this problem on and on again...
vomitting, inability to eat properly... etc etc..
Prays that she get well soon, get stronger everyday.
Mom, please look after Sheryl, i've done my best.. i cant take it anymore...
the war between Dad and Sis seems to never end... and i'm caught in the middle...
Sigh... i dont know how much longer i can take before i break down again and idle to rott...
Angel says that i should enjoy life, the life our father, the lord made for us. Made in the image of himself...
How can i enjoy? How can i let go? I'm holding onto a rope that never breaks, but i'm on the other end... if i let go, everything that the rope i'm holding... where will it go? How will it fall?
Still dont have the courage to go against you my angel.. i will hold onto this rope till i fail..
A dream i once had.. turns into a nightmare i never want...
A life i seek for.. never becomes light at all...
Every step i take leads me never to return...
The past i regret till date, i swear i will never forget..
/this is the me in I.
3:30 AM
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Wonder if it'll go any worse.. / Wednesday, December 10, 2008
time and time again, i return here to speak to myself...
to ask myself... whats my purpose in life, why am i here... what should i do next? how do i go on?
questions that i've always been searching for answers for, in vain..
Never understood why its always going bad for me, am i just taking it wrong? or was it already set wrong for me? Am i given a tough life? i doubt so, i dare not compare.. i'm sure theres others in situations that are bad as well...
Cant believe my dad went back on his word about the car... sigh..
confirmed with him i needed the car.. and now he says he has to use it... and i'm supposed to give in to him..
Then before that, while he was doing his washing, he complained, "next time TELL HER to do her own laundry...!" wth? now its HER? she's your daughter, my sister... you used to called 'jie' in front of me... now its Her?
So am i still considered Ah Yao? or Him?
Mom, i've lost the will to fight... the strength to carry on...
i dont think i can survive any much longer..
I was home alone for 3 days.. and one of which there was a black out... that i had to stay in for almost 2hrs...
then i realised, how dark our home can be..
i felt so alone.. so frustrated.. so lost.. nostalgiC... oh thats how i feel everyday...
God, i pray to you again, give me the strength i lost...
show me the light, the way... point me to the place i wish for...
fulfil my dreams.. take me there and allow me to see the world...
most of all, please take care of my loving mother, she's more important to me than anything else..
i lost her, presumebly a reason, so now show me that reason...
/this is the me in I.
12:12 AM
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to hold On or Let go? / Thursday, December 04, 2008
Its been such a tiring week, sleeping hours been so off again.. and i've not been getting the right amount nor proper sleep.. cant wait for the weekends for a long long long rest...
UTs have been sucky.. so dissapointed with myself..
also pocket's been abit dry... hitting a bad start with the cash flow... maybe its time to restart working which would prolly kill my remaining energy...
or its back to grass...
Been thinking so hard about whether i'm doing the right thing or not, has caused my dreams to really start to look weird.. dreams of free falling where theres no end.. or drowning in the sea..
I'm prolly just imagining things.. and am at the crossroad thinking where to go next...
I'm just so tired.. of everything... of myself..
Dear Lord, i seek you for strength, the strength i need to walk this path on...
I'm searching for a new life.. one that has warmth and smiles abound...
Life's been a challange lately, and i'd hope for a turn around.. amen
Mom, its been a while... i miss what it feels like to be beside you...
I feel so lost.. and so undetermined.. I've lost my footing in the world..
If you're looking after Sheryl, she's becoming so cute so playful..
I miss the way you call her cheeky bombom, and the way you would play with her..
really wish i could see it all over again..
You lived such a hard life, yet i was never there for you as you Son...
i never had the chance to make you happy.. you deserved so much better..
The year is soon coming to an end..
Life hasnt changed at all..
I hafnt changed 1 bit.. sigh...
so I'm standing still... waiting for the time to be taken...
/this is the me in I.
12:26 AM
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Jumpy week / Monday, December 01, 2008
sigh..
UT grades not doing so good... why...
trying so hard but all i get is crap...
Everything's going a little jumpy and all over the place..
Angel called, kinda scolded me...
say i never pamper myself...
saying that i never please myself by fulfilling my wishes and dreams.
Sadly i never believed in dreams or wishes ever coming true...
They never did, at least for me..
Thats why i only do things i need, not for things i want..
Like i said, i've not been tempted by anything for so long..
in fact i've chosen to give up things than to continue with thier upkeep.
I can only pray everyday that everything will go well..
let me know my purpose...
show me the way i can take for a better life..
the longer i wait... the more i feel like ending everything..
i've lost hope and will... what should i do next?
/this is the me in I.
12:58 AM
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