sigh.... / Sunday, December 28, 2008
A happy start with a irritating end for yesterday...
Janson's wedding, gate crash, wedding dinner went really well!
1st time i have the car all to myself. But
Dad had to call in and complain why i wasnt home, why i'm still out
etc etc etc...
I know he is worried about me, at least i hope...
Things are alot more shaky these few days at home...
Sis is home less often...
Dad is out more often..
Dad's been asking me why sis is out so late....
Sis's been asking me why dad is not doing his part of the housework...
What can i reply them? I Dont even see them much either duh!....
This home is drifting apart... and so am i....
I have no idea what is going on...
Does the loss of mom, brought this about? that the balance is now gone forever?
If the 2 of them really hate themselves so much, they dont even meet much, y bother complaining?
I question myself again.. what is my purpose
to resolve other people's problem? or be a human pincushion and take it all?
I'll take all these as punishment as payment for the wrongs i've done...
Today, while taking a short nap.. i had a flashback... one about Angel,
about the first time i saw her...
I saw it unfold, from not knowing her to atucally being her kor..
it ended abruptly by a phone call, fortunately at a point i hate...
awaken by Angel... i was forced to go freshen up and head down to pick her up then head to the wedding dinner itself...
Also, i'm sure she's crushed to finally hear from me, that i'm still smoking...
after hiding and avoiding her when i smoke. Well, i know you're kinda angry, when i said it...
you dont have to hide it, you could have done what you usually would do... scold me or sth..
I woulda have felt better if you've done it atucally...
I didnt mean to tsk at you or sigh so much today....
I just felt that everything to me always ends with a bad ending...
something wrong or something irritatable....
And i've really had enough of it lately, dont pray for me, i dont need it...
and oh ya... its great to hear you are a very optimistic person..
its just that i shut off when i was feeling irritated just now and then i didnt listen to what you were trying to say...
But like i said, my Angel.. you always manage to turn me around...
relight my fire and make me see into things i already chose to discard...
I still wonder why... why it never changed after all these years...
Maybe i just couldnt let it go.. and i should have given up a long time ago, no?
So...
Mom, look at dad... he opened another shop... so much money hor?
what ever happened to the 1st shop? Dissappeared?
I just dont know how he does it....
And you see your daughter and him...
one's a north pole and one's a south pole, always repelling each other...
I'm so tired already... i feel the strain... i've lost intrest in the things i used to do... and the things i like...
I'm completely lost at all my chioces, and making bad and wrong decisions...
And right now? i just cant sleep...
I love you Mom... I miss you too....
You always showed me strength and gave me the reason to work on...
so now that you're gone... i disire to be by your side once more...
/this is the me in I.
4:59 AM
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