All my fault... / Sunday, March 29, 2009
To see me speaking to myself here agian..
it would only mean that something bad has happened...
The 1st thing i'll do if she ever reads this blog.. is to apologize to her...
I'm sorry my love.. i've done many things i shouldnt...
I'm always making you pissed off, dissapointed and sad...
And when i see you cry or in pain.. it makes my heart stop...
I don't know what to do..
Each and every tear you've wept for me has became a scar for me...
I've felt so dissapointed with myself with all your occurances with guys around you...
espcially PS.. He even bought u durian puffs and brought flowers to your office...
I guess compared to him, i'm not even the tip of the iceberg...
I'm feeling insecure of myself... i dont want to make you feel doubt me...
Niether do i want to break your heart again...
I want to tell you to get over me... but i just cant make myself to do it...
Cause I love you Michelle...
'Everytime i close my eyes...
I feel how fast the time would fly..
I just wanna hold you by my side,
and tell you i still love you while you're in sight...
Instead all i do is to make you cry...
everytime i would wanna die. '
Mom, just not too long ago..
i've met my new love of my life...
and even before i could make things settle down...
I destroyed the relationship that we were having...
I dunno why this is happening...
I'm quite sure if u were here to read this, you'll prolly be laughing it off
telling me, everythin will be fine...
but right now? i cant sleep... i'm waiting for her reply...
i know its not gonna happen.. so i'd just stay home and die...
Mom, o how i've missed you...
where have you been?
i'm still waiting for you...
Speak to me... talk to me..
Sis is having alot of stress, from work from sheryl and from her ex husband...
worst of all? Sheryl is sick again... but she's out of house at sis Bf's place?
Look over them mom.. you need not protect me..
i'm not worthy of it...
Mom, i love you, i miss you...
/this is the me in I.
12:03 AM
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2 weeks and counting... / Monday, March 23, 2009
She's my gem..
My dearest and my most beloved. My Darling Michelle..
Bumped right into my life and swept me away...
Lets leap off to what feels great together, ever.
Left knee has been affecting me, however the pain still tells me i'm alive..
My love made me visit the doc for an x-ray... which ended up for a referral to TTSH.. prolly in july..
Doc actually made me climb up and down stairs just to get the referral haha... but hey, at least thats done with..
Theres been nothing grey in my life to whine about in here for a while..
Why? because she's here, here in my life.
I still do hear my sister's screams and shouts... however tonight i see her crying with her boyfriend in the living room.. Not that i dont care, I just didnt wanna ask anything that would make matters worse....
Mom, i still yearn for your face...
I seek the day to see you once again...
However that could never be the case...
I'm feeling all insane...
Please look after Sis and Sheryl
/this is the me in I.
12:13 AM
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Start of the new tumbling events... / Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Again it has started...
After the Part timer training Jingle treated everyone else that were around to dinner...
Had my fill after 1 bowl of soup, 1 slice of meat and a 1/2 bowl of rice... as usual noone else believes me...
So i had to continue with the eating... keeping silent to myself.. feeling a little different as i continue to much my way through....
What seemed to be a long happy weekend has ended.. I felt the dark crawling from my gut...
everything's about to change...
Till what seems the last dish, we quickly headed home...
As usual... Jingle told us to take cabs home and claim from her the next day...
I was the last to go, knowing i take the cab alone anyway....
A total of 6 cabs i missed... standing there in the drizzle.. till 9.30....
Cab Number 1, Across the street.. crossed it.. says cannot pick to Sbw...
Cab Number 2, Across the street where i was originally standing, Lost to some uncle who was rushing out from the travel bus...
Cab Number 3, Again says cannot pick to Sbw...
Cab Number 4, Stopped infront of me and became 'On Call'
Cab Number 5, Across the road AGAIN, then taken by another couple WHO saw me waved for it 1st...
Even before Cab number 6 came, some stupid Van driver Horned me to get out of the way so he could park at a Taxi stand? Then he got off and stood extremely close to me, as if it was his parking lot... I mumbled, what the fuck and moved away...
Cab Number 6, This.. This has to be the best.. Stopped across the street.. I walked over and he moved of?
Awesome... and then it poured... so i rushed towards the station and took the train home...
It didnt Just end there! Hell... At city hall, I WAS ALREADY the last walking in, giving way to everyone else, but some Auntie had to rush in all of a sudden (the door i took WAS VERY far away from the stairs/elevator/escalator) impossible for her to rush down for the train..
She shoved me right into the train, where there already is NO SPACE. I'm quite a giant for god's sake.. Ask and i'll move... Shove and you will get hurt... Yeap thats right.. She mumbled and grumbled that i didnt give way..
Rain didnt end after reaching home... so i had to walk through it home...
I realise its a full moon today.. Are you the friggin cause of my events today? i cant bet on it... The full moon period is 3 days....approx..
I've not found my meaning in life... my reason at all...
I Stand still... taking everything by myself.. bitter or not.. i know this is God's Challange
To make me stronger, but every trial makes me weaker... both heart and mind..
To my Darling that we've been together since the 5th.. I've never had a 2nd though about it...
I urge forward...
I push on... hoping i can and will be different..
I fear the same thing would happen... I wont like it at all.. not 1 bit... The cause of hate due to my mistakes... When i dunno what i've done...
There were things that i have aggravated, I shouldnt have...
Forgive me..
Mom, have you not heard me calling you?
I've been crying out hard... i've
Not felt you for so long...
Not heard you for so long..
Not seen you for so long..
And even though i'm alive.. i feel dead
Lifeless yet alive.. a Zombie i've become..
My heart beats slower each day... stops even...
And then i go blank... Weaker i've become...
Pain doesnt hurt... my mind doesnt work...
Dad's become more selfless for his "Workplace".. i wonder why...
Never will i depend on him EVER!
Sis goes weaker day by day as well.. Seems like your Grand daughter is sapping her dry...
Always making her angry... getting sick so easily...Sigh...
I've done enough.. i've taken my beating...
I've bled.. laying there waiting for death to take over...
But it refuses to take my last breath....
I'm going to shut off, shut myself off...
I yearn for your touch once more...
I miss you Mom... and i love you..
/this is the me in I.
12:29 AM
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A long absence... / Tuesday, March 03, 2009
I didnt felt the need lately to key in anything to remind me of anything...
I guess HE has heard for my call...
and that its true...
"You wont know Good times, if there werent any Bad times...."
and that "Happy days comes after Sad days"
I'm sure now that i've had enough rest..
The worst is about to return...
Keep in mind SteVvY.. you have not found the reason you live...
neither do you seek one...
You are still unsure of what you are doing now is right or wrong
You seeked assurance, and once you got it.. then you left it alone..
It will return to haunt you.. so do prepare yourself..
I've taken the toll.. be it the best or the worst...
right now in the middle.. wandering about...
Nothing bad lately has happened to dampen my spirits...
So far, my school results are still good... dropped from a 3.6 to 3.55
Have a bad Knee because my buddies wanna bowl..
+1 -1
not bad..
Mom i missed you so much...
A turn of event brought me to see you..
Tears rolled down my cheeks as i tried to touch...
I re-arranged the flowers to realise noone else came...
Even more broken hearted i became...
Every night i want to dream of you..
For dreams feel real... at the very least...
Whether i'm concious about it, i would have enjoyed it..
/this is the me in I.
1:39 AM
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