Recalling.... / Thursday, June 25, 2009
I've been so tired lately, everytime i sit down
i'd fall asleep...
And then theres that buzzing in my ear...
Yet to still go grab my referral to TTSH for my knee that has recovered...
then it brought back something i didnt want to remember...
the reason i was even there..
Been having weird sights during my sleep about me
being with someone...
doing things i wouldnt have done..
and i realised, i've did just that, not too long ago.
I'd writhe in pain but theres other things i need to tend to first..
Then looking through my sms-es..
I believed to have felt so happy in this year...
and knowing it would have ended in the same year...
i saw the sms-es sent by darl, and i've wondered
did i really do all those things for her?
There was 1, that told me to leave my mark,
which i responded with an engagement ring.. too farfetched uh?
so it turned down to the Tiff n Co ring that I've stashed away..
it was bought as a set, proof of us being together.
Only to know soon after, the ring was pointless.
So i placed my mark, which wasnt on permanant ink ha..
Tho it aches to see those sms-es, it does tell me I was well loved...
am not sure if i did the things correctly or not,
but i know now, it was never meant to be that simple.
Wonder if i can delete those memories, if i delete those sms-es...
I want to look back now.. but it seems impossible..
I tried moving forward, then i felt the pulling in my chest..
Whats going on?
Sis is looking alot better now.. eating and moving much more..
I believe she'll be all healed soon, however she needs to go job hunting
soon again.. haiz..
Guess these things just never ends uh?
Death until the dust, and i'm waiting
Ruined in the rust, of my craving
It feels like, it feels like
I did'nt know the cost, of my betrayal?
I'm the one that's lost, I'm gonna fail
It feels like, it feels like I'm gasping with all my might
/this is the me in I.
1:28 AM
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Nothing's going right... / Tuesday, June 23, 2009
sigh...
ever since Sheryl had chicken pox..
i've been afraid of getting it...
and now that sis caught it...
although she has recovered from the poxxing,
it seems that it has affected her via the nuerons...
Sis's going through a tough time recovering..
Its a tough sight...
the way she reacts and looks right now reminds me
about Mom, 2 years ago...
saying she'd just wanna die so the pain will go away...
Why couldnt it have had been me who has this pox?
So that sis wont suffer like that?
I'm praying hard that she recovers well...
and from everything around..
I'm having lots of sleepless nights...
and unable to wake up for school..
Losing alot from school now...
surely my grades are down the drain now...
Just too ignorant to do anything else...
even for school..
I'm glad i've so many friends who'd stand by me..
if i'm about to fall...
but i know.. i wont ask from them...
if i were to fall.. i'd just drown...
Its ok if i were to lose everything..
I'm already content with what i have...
Tho i have no aim.. and no reason to live,
i shouldnt be a part of anyone's problems.
Please lord, take everyone's problems away..
and heal my sis..
i'll take her place if i could and you would..
I dont ask for much.. but these..
I'm baring and theres nothing left i know...
theres an urge to quit school now...
since my pocket's dry..
My heart's empty and my mind's wiped..
Nobody wants to be alone...
so do i..
I’ve been caught sideways out here on the crossroads
Trying to buy back the pieces I lost of my soul
It’s hard when the devil won’t get off your back
It’s like carrying around the past in a hundred pound sack
/this is the me in I.
3:30 AM
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Lousy streak again... / Thursday, June 18, 2009
Damn... seems like a super lousy streak i'm having...
Doing UTs badly.. don think i'll be getting any As this time round...
Tired from the PCShow.. and i aint able to cope in school again...
argh... really hate my decision to upgrade a year ago now...
did i make a lousy chioce? cause so far, it seems like i'm regrettin..
crap...
Then during the PC show week, my HDD died...
yes... my WD 500gb.. external...
full of my downloaded stuff and most importantly PICTURES!
ARGH!!!!!!!
it was my back up of backups! and its gone...
When is all this gonna stop?
Fuck it
/this is the me in I.
2:59 AM
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Divided... / Friday, June 12, 2009
Oh man...
PC show.....SHIONG!
Sales are going strong... and i'm running up and down the store like mad...
Knees hurt, back hurt... argh....
I'm feeling very exhausted... but i just cant get myself to sleep...
Still feeling bothered.. dunno by what..
Gotta keep my mind off this asap....
Rashes are back again... Even the flu doesnt wanna go...
haha i'm just that loveable by em eh?
Crappy school moved UT date to 15th!
Show ends at 14th!
Jia lat... no time to study... hai....
The lyrics from Linkin Park's New divde says alot...
and to me it means alot...
Heres the last bridge
In every loss
in every lie
In every truth that you’d deny
And each regret
and each goodbye
was a mistake to great to hide
And your voice was all I heard
That I get what I deserve
So give me reason
to prove me wrong
to wash this
memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Give me reason
to fill this hole
connect the space
between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies
Across this new divide
/this is the me in I.
2:51 AM
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Home's PoxED! / Thursday, June 11, 2009
Sheesh!
Sheryl was down with CHICKEN POX last week!
And it has reached my SISTER!
They only found out today that it is CHICKEN POX TODAY!
ARGHHHHH
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
DO NOT INFECT me just yet!!
Got the PC Show and 2 UTs to clear!
I know it wont go right anyway..
Nothin ever does...
So i'm just complaining to myself...
Praying to myself... zzzz
/this is the me in I.
12:02 AM
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Bothered....by... something.... / Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Couldnt get myself to sleep...
even being so tired...
aches everywhere...
back's really bad...
but what can i do? i cant let people down...
i'd do what i can, till i cant tick anymore...
However, theres something bothering me...
Not quite sure exactly... Its there... but then again...
Its not...?
I seek for answers..
That usually opposes my thoughts....
Would there be a remedy? I'm not too sure...
Too much things i need to let go and move on...
Those are the things i hold on to yet most tightly...
What am I to the people around me?
A tool? A past time?
Am i Disposible? or Reusable?
Damn... Why am I even thinking about all these...
Its gonna be a tough mid to end of year now...
gotta hang on with whatever theres left in my wallet....
I'm not gonna last long enough.. that i'm sure...
I'm sorry darling, for i've done my best...
In sights to see you smile...
doubtfully i'll be able to... ever..
The joke you said over msn.. hangs over me...
The thought makes me wanna kill myself...
Whats there to know?
The truth hurts the most...
Whats there to seek?
Since I've no need...
Why do I carry on these thoughts...
When it brings my fears out...
Why do I hold on to what's over..
When it stays on and hovers...
Mom...
I dont think i can carry on much longer...
I've really used up all my strength...
I've got no more zeal to do anything else...
My mind's set to lying down.. and sleeping forever...
Every night makes me want to never wake up...
Should I just give up on everything?
And leave them all as it should?
Should I just be less bothered about others?
And be more heartless then selfless?
How did you manage to handle so much...
And yet still stay strong?
sigh...
/this is the me in I.
3:36 AM
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In between lines... / Monday, June 08, 2009
Its again the period of the Full moon..
that detestable sight...
where clouds aint visible, and its either full white or pale orange...
I'm searching for myself...
Wonder where i've misplaced myself in these few months
The feeling of being lost... The feeling of looking for something...
I've been asked by a few... "How are you lately?"
My immediate answer would either be, "Alive" or "Not too sure"
I'm trying to be happy, knowing that theres no reason to...
I'm trying to think i can go on.. knowing that I dont really want to...
Life's getting boring.. so much so that i just wanna sleep it through...
I know i have nothing to brood about... nothing to smile about...
So what should i be feeling? In between? Emoile? (Emo + smile)
It seems darling's is really down..
with all her problems here and there..
I cant do anything even if i wanted to...
and similarly to her... i'd wan to go for a holiday too!
But would i feel any different after going for 1?
sigh..
I know how many times I said
I'm gonna to live with out you
and maybe someone else is standing there beside you
but there's something baby that you need to know
that deep inside me I feel like I'm dying
I have to see you it's all that I'm asking.
Vida, give me back my fantasies
the courage that I need to live
the air that I breathe
carino mio, my world becomes so empty
my day's are so cold and lonely
and each night I taste
the purest of pain.
I wish I could tell you I'm feeling better every day
that it didn't hurt me when you walked away
but to tell you the truth I can't find my way
and deep inside me I feel like I'm dying
/this is the me in I.
1:49 AM
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The feel of being lost... / Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Ever felt that everything you do is useless?
Everything you said is ignored?
Everything you've done was a waste?
Well.. i Have...
And its back again to huant me...
Wonder if i'm putting too much effort into doing things
for people, and not for me....
It seems that darling is having trouble with her work..
and her studies are really not getting on well...
hope she does her bestest!
tho i know what i say here is only words.. nothing else...
We chatted quite abit... and it seems that she's having a lot of troubles with him...
I'm sad that she is... its breaking my heart that someone would do that to darling...
But i cant do anything....
"The truth is... I gave my life away a long time ago,
my whole ... and I never really got it back"
She asked me whats with this msn nick i placed?
Well darling, i gave my life to you... which was my everything...
however, it seems that i've not taken it all back.. rather i didnt...
I'm standing right here.. thinking if i should/could...
i really dont know...
We finally spoke on the phone... for a mere 3min conversation..
was panting heavily so i couldnt hear you.. that day...
fate put me not able to see you either.. oh well... nothing ever goes my way anyway..
getting to chat with you and hear you is all i can ask for..
And i wont ask for more.. I'm not in the position to do so....
You also said your blog posts your happy memories, and you said i was part of those happy times... but they werent blogged now, were they? haha....*silly joke*
However darling...
"Beginnings are usually scary and endings are usually sad,
but it's everything in between that makes it all worth living"
Feeling overwhelmed... i take a dive..
To a once overfilled but now empty place to hide...
The day you turned on me is the day i died...
And i've forgotten how it feels to be alive...
I've spent my time not so wisely...
none with my family... most at school... and a lil at work...
sigh.. being tired is 1 thing... stupid flu is still lingering...
I dread the stupid weather thats coming along... argh...
Mom... we've all missed you...
I'm dead tired.. and can't think of any other ways to go on..
I've spent my remaining strength doing what i should.. and some i shouldnt..
I know i've not done well...
Guide me to do better.. guide me to see your smile...
I've lost the sanity in me.. and i cant wait to break it off....
I'd try to reach out to the sky...
when nothing seems to go right for me...
then again.. whats remained for me to grab?
As all i see is just pitch black and empty...
I pieced back my heart to only shatter it again...
so i dusted it all away.. and leave it all in my mind...
I can't bear to lose her.. but i can't have her...
So as long as she's all smiles.. i'd go with my eyes closed...
/this is the me in I.
2:10 AM
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